Closing Doors

 

2021- 40

A Year in Review.

This has become an unplanned tradition of mine. Often around the holidays, New Year, Chinese New Year, and my birthday.

This past year was… interesting to say the least. For me it’s been difficult for reasons I won’t go into here. It’s also been a year of immense change and good fortunes. My baby girl entered this world this past September, and I will never be the same. This little cherub smiles at me and my soul melts. She is love on a level I never before imagined and am eternally grateful for her.

I’ve pushed through a number of set backs in my creative endeavors. I think we all did. A lot of doors closed this past year, some that will never open again sadly. We all attempted to adapt and survive in whatever ways we could come up with.

“Men at forty Learn to close softly The doors to rooms they will not be Coming back to.” ― Donald Justice

I’d read that quote many times before now, and thought of it in different ways. I understood closing doors on things we just wouldn’t be doing any longer. Lack of energy, lack of time, lack of interest. It is the “softly” part that jumps out at me now.

There’s something very sinister about the word “potential”. We’re often told in our younger years that we have great potential. But how much of that potential is left unrealized? Vast oceans, I’ve discovered. Some of us never find out rhythm. Some of us never find our opportunity. Some of us don’t apply ourselves, or give up before “success” arrived, whatever that means.

But to close the door softly, I think, implies that you’re not wanting to draw too much attention to it. There is a lingering of the hand on the door. You don’t want to leave that place behind necessarily, but you know that you need to. For yourself. For those that may depend on you.

I think there is also a certain amount of shame at times, for potential we feel we may have squandered. Maybe we were too busy chasing whatever shiny thing had our attention. Maybe we were too busy working to survive. Maybe… maybe…

This is not a tale of endings however. Not yet. There are some new chapters that I am delving into. Chapters that have been years in the writing. I am learning and admitting to myself that there are only so many hallways I can explore at one time. Perhaps only so many I will ever have the chance to explore. Time is so finite.

But as I delve into these projects, and this next chapter, I want to say thank you. Thank you to those that have loved me. Thank you to those that have tolerated me. Thank you to those that have supported me. Thank you for those I have been fortunate enough to call friend.

I am not just a writer or performer now. I am also a father. A title which I hold with great pride. Because I’m not just any father. I’m Audrey’s father. And that means the world to me.

Also thank you to anyone still reading. Thank you for the paths that you have shared with me in this journey called life.

I look forward to many more adventures to come.

And I love you, my first and second families. My compatriots and comrades in this maelstrom of existing, creating, hurting, losing, winning, discovering, loving and living. Hold on to one another my friends and my loves. Hold each other up, as you have done for me. And as I try to do for you whenever fortune allows me.

Be well, be brave, be jubilant at all the things we might otherwise take for granted.

Thank you.

Success and Skill: An Uneven Ratio

 An irregular Ratio.

This is a topic that has weighed on my soul time and again. And one that I believe is off overlooked or marginalized in our "hustle= success" culture.

It may hurt some feelings as well.

But I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

Skill does not equal success.

For every A List actor that is lauded in magazines and websites, there is an actor even better doing community theatre or little independent films you've never even heard of.

For every best selling author, there are writers whose sonatas to the soul will make your heart reverberate in ways you never knew possible.

For every Grammy award winner and multi platinum album, there's a musician at your local college or bar whose performances will have you dancing in your seat or bring tears to your eyes.

So what is the take away?

Well, first. Always take time to explore the little side alleys of the arts and entertainment community for little gems that could change your life. And please be patrons to these amazing people.

But more importantly, if you are one of these artists. If you're work brings you clarity, or solace, or joy, keep creating.

Your bank account is not a measure of your worth.

Your number of followers does not dictate your ability to move the human spirit.

Sometimes.... It's just luck.

And does that mean that the rest of us not making millions off our work should hang it up and give in?

Resoundingly no.

There's an old saying that the forests would be silent if only the very best birds sang.

That's not even what I'm saying here.

What I'm saying is, your perspective, your performance, your work will touch the world in ways you'll never know.

And I'm not saying this out of pure theory.

I've seen it. Heard it. Read it.

For instance, at the Cleveland Playhouse in the early 2000s, I saw a play called The May. (At least I believe that was it's name now. It's been ages.)

I remember the cast being uneven and the person playing the husband doing all sorts of "acting stuff" that I found nearly unbearable.

But what I took away from the show was the woman who played the daughter.

Her performance was simple and honest and captivating. And it was one of those performances that made me think "I want to make an audience feel like that."

I worked with a colleague long ago named Bill Davis. (Sorry man. I'm calling you out. 🤣)

His performances in college made me downright envious. I remember watching him from the wings of shows we did together and thinking "I want to be like him when I get better at this."

I'm by no means famous. I'm grateful for every moment I've had on stage and screen. But those two actors, one who's name I don't even know, and both who you'll likely never see, pushed me to want to be more. And hopefully helped me to better entertain others in my own career.

I've read short stories online that have leave me haunted or spell bound.

I've heard musicians in college who's work brought tears to my eyes. (In a good way. 😁😂)

So what I'm saying is, don't quit. Don't stop. Your work adds to the beautiful tapestry of the human experience. And this world would be less without your work in it.

Love and Be Held

 A baby is just starting off their life. All they want is to be held and some attention paid to them. They want to know they are loved, and that they matter, on an instinctive level. I think this is all any of us are really looking for during the rest of our pursuits in life as well.