To My Daughter

 Every tender moment, I’ve experienced, or thought I knew
Coalesced and distilled, into the shape my heart holds for you
Every swelling in my chest, that makes me so happy I could cry
I behold in your little smile when you look me in the eye
And holding you is completion, this little angel entrusted to me
To arm with love, knowledge and strength, to face your destiny
I wish this could be forever, this innocent joy of mine
That I could hold you close and love you, from now till the end of time
I never knew it would feel like this
To be so happy that it hurts
To introduce you to this life
To a whole new world of firsts
Your little hand around my finger
Like my heart wrapped around yours
Every fiber of my being
Focused on how much I adore
Every moment you are with me
And how I never really knew
How full my life would be
The moment I held you

 

Potential... lost.

 Potential.
Such a beautiful concept. Such a deadly word.
Potential of all the things we will never accomplish, but we could have, you know?
Potential cut short.
By an accident. A blood clot. An aneurysm. Cancer. Murder.
Suddenly, all that potential vanishes from this world, never to return.
And we, the survivors, the sacred carriers of that memory, are left holding the shattered pieces of what could have been.
We’ll never know the potential of their tomorrow. We’ll never see what they would have contributed toward today.
As I feel this pinching pain in my chest, I reflect on these, gone too soon. And I lament their passing. Not just for them and their loss of tomorrow, but in all of the new memories I myself was robbed of by losing them.
It’s selfish. I know. And for this moment, I want to be selfish, and angry, and broken. I want to cry for me, and my loss in never having them back again. Never hearing them laugh, never having them call, never feeling that warmth in my heart at opening a door to reveal them smiling to see me.
And I know they wouldn’t want me dwelling in sadness. But it does them good knowing I still care this much, even years later. And I do. I miss you. I want to hug you, and feel the endorphins run through my brain at having you near.
But I won’t.
I can’t.
That potential has been forever taken, never to return.
And like staring down a winding path in the forest, the snowflakes falling in their slow and silent dance, I realize that the potential lies within me.
Perhaps never to be great, but to be good.
To care. To laugh. To share. To spend time. To reflect. To create. To hope.
Potential.
It’s such a beautiful concept. It’s such a deadly word.
Share with me someone who’s potential you miss.
Share with yourself some good you can do with the potential that’s been passed on to you.

Nothing Hits Harder Than Life

 Nothing hits harder than life. Life will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let it.

A line from one of my favorite movies but no less true.

So many of us push through life in a crucible of our own failings, missed chances, and narrow losses.

But if you've ever watched certain stories unfold there's a place where the hero is defeated many times before and suddenly they find the strength to overcome an obstacle that destroyed them in the past. And they Wonder at this new-found strength.

Because what they didn't realize is that they were facing much greater challenges then the obstacle they were looking at all along. The other thing they don't realize is that for all the immense strength they showed in defeating that opponent or overcoming that mountain they are actually far stronger than any of that.

Because the scars and the hurt and the pain and the discouragement and everything else that told them to stop and turn around and give up pushed against them like a hurricane of white-hot blistering sand. 

And in those periods of the unimaginable cruelty of life they would have traded anything in the world to get away from that pain. But digging down to not just survive but to overcome they became something more than they ever thought possible.

And so too will you. The defeats of the past are not your legacy. The moments that your knees buckled because it hurt too much to stand doesn't mean that you can't run again.

Because you've been training your whole life to unlock the hidden Force within you and you never even knew it. So go forth my friend I know but the greatness of of the Gods and of your every dream and desire dwells within you.

 And all you have to do is unleash it and believe.

Writing 'To Do' List

I thought this might be helpful to share with my fellow writers.

A Writer's “To Do” List

1. Have writing implements and paper at the ready.
   

2. Set up your workspace in a way that caters to your personal creative process.
   

3. Make a blood sacrifice to the creative gods that they may bless your current endeavor. Should blood for whatever reason, not be available (only you know if you're cheating yourself. But thankfully the Elder Ones work on the honor system), a mixture of espresso and cabernet usually works nicely.
   

4. Make sure you have the correct sacrifice for your genre. Warm goat's blood for horror. (Obviously.) And a warm cheese sandwich for news articles.
   

5. Remove all potential distractions that may pull your focus from your writing.
   

6. Be honest with yourself as to what those distractions are. Phone, work, family obligations, hygiene. If you need reference material, buy a thesaurus.
   

7. Carve out time for the actual writing. The time will not present itself.
   

8. Also, carve out anyone that attempts to impose on this time. You don't need these people in your life anyway, and running from the law can be quite invigorating for the creative process.
   

9. Try to put as much as you can down on the paper, even if it doesn't all come together right away. Sometimes you have to get the bad ideas out of the way first to clear the road for the good ones.
   

10. Stare into the internal abyss of existential dread that your life is meaningless and no one will ever enjoy your work.
    

11. Get a beverage! It's important to stay hydrated!
    

12. Back up your work. Nothing is worse than writing lost work.
    

13. Don't give up. Even if everyone in your life has told you you are just wasting your time writing. Especially the landlady and her angry pet poodle, Chastity. That dog hated you long before you were overdue on rent.
    

14. Occasionally work on something not at all related to your current project to till the old creative soil a bit.
    

15. Scream into a pillow when you realize that the chapter based on a deep personal experience that took you five months of therapy and three months of writing to get out isn't going to work for the final product. Once finished screaming, strike the pillow with your weapon of choice while enjoying a nice cordial and listening to some therapeutic music. I recommend Chopin.
    

16. Most importantly, have fun!

Uber Shenanigans

 Adventures in Uber:

My Uber driver tonight is an Indian gentleman that is currently playing Gospel Country.

Gospel.

Country.

That they're singing off key I feel I should add.

This magical adventure began with my Uber driver stopping at the edge of my driveway.

After I walk up to the car he asks if it's my home and I'm sure I want to leave.

Understanding a foreboding sidequest is ahead, I prepare for adventure.

Adventure at 50 mph.

On the highway.

With his left blinker on the past 4 miles.

Upon entering the car, he and if I still want to go. After assuring him I wish to proceed with tonight's adventure, he asks where I'm going.

I give him the name.

He asks where that is.

I look up the address. And then he calls me.

I let it go to voicemail, explaining I'm already in the car.

He asks if I'm Gideon.

I assure him that I am, pointing that this indeed my house and I indeed wish to leave to yonder destination.

And we are off, his phone still on my voicemail, and his hazards on.

Apple Store Visit

 So.

I went into an Apple store for the first time today.

I began a little perplexed. And it went downhill from there.

Rather than looking like any store I was familiar with, it looked more like a cafe that didn't serve coffee, which was rather disappointing.

I saw a wooden floor with a number of small square seats that looked like cubby holes you would see at a preschool, and they were all arranged like someone was about to read story time. (Story time also did not happen. No coffee. No stories. No check out. I'll get to that in a moment.)

So I see groups of people hanging out and mingling at long, rectangular tables and am wondering where the employees are. I circle around the tables of what looks like dozens of people just hanging out and talking. After a while, I notice that some of these people mingling like its a hipster bar with no beer (No coffee, no stories, and now no beer, despite all appearances. Seriously, it's like Apple thrives on empty expectations) are wearing black shirts with tiny Apple logos on them that I missed my first pass.

Either that's just a thing Apple fanatics wear, or I've finally discovered the elusive employees. I wander over and wait for any of them to make eye contact. Or acknowledge me in any way, as no one greeted me on my way in, and I don't see a counter or check out area anywhere. Spoiler, no one does. 

After several minutes of this and my walking to numerous coffee and beer free tables, I finally stand right next to someone with the black shirt and tiny Apple logo for a few minutes and stare at them until they finally happen to glance my way. I'm only guessing they are an employee at this point as no one has confirmed nor denied this as yet. They don't speak or acknowledge my presence. Apple employees are apparently all cats in human disguises. So I just immediately ask where I can go to purchase something before they look away again. They point at a random employee and say "you can talk to the guy in the middle"

I walk to the guy in the middle.

He points me to the guy in the corner.

I walk to the guy in the corner.

He's talking with two more people and never looks up or over.

I still don't see a cash register. I pick up an item and wait another couple of minutes. Corner guy still never looks my way. I look at the back of the box of a set of wireless ear phones marked at $160. Ear phones. For $160...

(I imagine at this point, an Apple board meeting.

"What should we charge for this item?"

"Let's take whatever a moderate consumer would consider to be the upper end of acceptable pricing for an item like this, and triple that."

"Brilliant!")

I walk to another employee who seems to finally have an idle moment and I ask if I'm understanding the pricing correctly. He says yes.

I ask where the check out counter is. He points me back to corner guy.

I set down the air pods and leave the store, never to return.

I never felt more confused and out of place in my life, and I've been lost in a foreign country.

But the surreal experience did save me $160! So I'll call it a win.

And I think I'll be avoiding the surreal Apple negaverse henceforth. :D

Writing on public transit

Until I get my headphone jack fixed, I'm finding other ways to amuse myself.

Writing on Public Transit without head phones:

               An old man sat on a bench, watching the sunset. The small lacquer box sat on his lap and he stared at its contents for moments that felt like ages. With a deep breath, he closed the box and watched the brilliant purples and oranges that followed the setting sun into the ocean.              

And she don’t need to be talking to him. I don’t care what she said about nothing.              

The old man reflected on all the promises he had made to the people whose lives had been lost so that someone like him could live to see this sunset.              

No, I don’t have the files on me. You’ll have to go into my computer. No, the one in my office. Ya, just go ahead and forward that to Peggy. Oh , Peggy's the worst. 

              

A tear rolled down the man’s weathered cheek. Too much weight, it felt at times. No one should be responsible for that much weight. Yet here he was, and here he waited.              

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!              

What the hell was that?

              

I dunno, somebody’s kid sitting over there.              

Are they being murdered?              

Na, they’re just little assholes and their parents aren’t paying attention.              

The old man cradled the box in his arms as the light faded from the sky.

              

I’m the freshest Atlanta rapper, the pop capper, on the streets I look dapper.

              

He focused on all of the memories-

              

Perfume, cologne, wrist watches! You need a watch?              

Of days gone by, of all the people that had been left behind.

             

Next Stop Lindbergh Center. Check out Marta at Marta on the go! Echa un vistazo a Marta en Marta en el camino!

He closed his eyes-

I need that sent to work right now! It’s got to be there  before I get in!

 Clutched the small box tight.

              

Put her on the phone! I’m ‘bout to tell her ass what’s up!

              

The hip-hop sensation, all over the nation, dropping stacks at my celebration.

Peggy! So glad to hear you!

Next Stop Arts Center, home of Fox Theater, Center for the Performing Arts and-             

The old man said fuck it, and threw the box in the ocean.

The end.

The boy with the bag of rocks.

There once was a boy who carried around a large bag of rocks. He would groan and strain, struggling to get from place to place. The bag of rocks he would carry around with himself were always weighing him down and tiring him out.

“Why don’t you put the bag of rocks down?” another child asked.

“Oh, I don’t mind it so much. You get used to it after a while,” the boy replied.

The other children were running up to the top of a nearby hill to play. The boy’s face turned red as he trudged up the hill behind everyone else. Another girl commented,

“You’d get up the hill much easier if you just put down that bag of rocks.”

“But I’ve gotten good at carrying it, don’t you see? It makes me stronger. Not just anyone could carry this bag of rocks up this hill,” the boy replied. The girl shook her head and trotted on up the hill.

By the time the boy made it to the top of the hill, the other children had all finished playing and were running off home. The boy collapsed, breathing heavily, and wanting to cry at having missed out on playtime. After a few moments of feeling sorry for himself, he noticed the girl sitting nearby.

“I missed all the fun! Everyone played and left without me!” the boy bellowed.

“You had every opportunity to join us. But we couldn’t wait forever. If you’d just put down that burden of rocks, you’d have been here,” she said.

“But I’ve had this bag so long. I’d hate to lose it,” the boy moaned.

“But is it making you happy?” the girl asked.

“It did once. When I first collected the rocks. They were all different shapes and colors. I was so proud of them. They did make me happy,” the boy replied.

“They did. But do they now?” the girl asked. The boy paused and looked at his bag of rocks. After a moment, he shook his head.

“Then why do you carry it?” she asked.

“What will it do without me?” the boy asked.

“It’s a bag of rocks. It doesn’t give a fig if you’re carrying it around or not. And if carrying around is just bringing you grief...” the girl said, standing up and dusting off her pants. She started skipping down the hill, then paused, looking back at the boy. The boy stood up and looked at the bag in his hands. He set it down, and stretched out his back, standing taller than he had in ages. He smiled, the burden laid down at last. He looked at it, it seemed silly to be so sentimental over something that didn’t make him happy anymore.

“I’m going to remember when it made me happy. And leave it at that,” the boy declared.

“That sounds like a fine plan. And if the rocks ever make you happy again, you’ll know where to find them.”