Closing Doors

 

2021- 40

A Year in Review.

This has become an unplanned tradition of mine. Often around the holidays, New Year, Chinese New Year, and my birthday.

This past year was… interesting to say the least. For me it’s been difficult for reasons I won’t go into here. It’s also been a year of immense change and good fortunes. My baby girl entered this world this past September, and I will never be the same. This little cherub smiles at me and my soul melts. She is love on a level I never before imagined and am eternally grateful for her.

I’ve pushed through a number of set backs in my creative endeavors. I think we all did. A lot of doors closed this past year, some that will never open again sadly. We all attempted to adapt and survive in whatever ways we could come up with.

“Men at forty Learn to close softly The doors to rooms they will not be Coming back to.” ― Donald Justice

I’d read that quote many times before now, and thought of it in different ways. I understood closing doors on things we just wouldn’t be doing any longer. Lack of energy, lack of time, lack of interest. It is the “softly” part that jumps out at me now.

There’s something very sinister about the word “potential”. We’re often told in our younger years that we have great potential. But how much of that potential is left unrealized? Vast oceans, I’ve discovered. Some of us never find out rhythm. Some of us never find our opportunity. Some of us don’t apply ourselves, or give up before “success” arrived, whatever that means.

But to close the door softly, I think, implies that you’re not wanting to draw too much attention to it. There is a lingering of the hand on the door. You don’t want to leave that place behind necessarily, but you know that you need to. For yourself. For those that may depend on you.

I think there is also a certain amount of shame at times, for potential we feel we may have squandered. Maybe we were too busy chasing whatever shiny thing had our attention. Maybe we were too busy working to survive. Maybe… maybe…

This is not a tale of endings however. Not yet. There are some new chapters that I am delving into. Chapters that have been years in the writing. I am learning and admitting to myself that there are only so many hallways I can explore at one time. Perhaps only so many I will ever have the chance to explore. Time is so finite.

But as I delve into these projects, and this next chapter, I want to say thank you. Thank you to those that have loved me. Thank you to those that have tolerated me. Thank you to those that have supported me. Thank you for those I have been fortunate enough to call friend.

I am not just a writer or performer now. I am also a father. A title which I hold with great pride. Because I’m not just any father. I’m Audrey’s father. And that means the world to me.

Also thank you to anyone still reading. Thank you for the paths that you have shared with me in this journey called life.

I look forward to many more adventures to come.

And I love you, my first and second families. My compatriots and comrades in this maelstrom of existing, creating, hurting, losing, winning, discovering, loving and living. Hold on to one another my friends and my loves. Hold each other up, as you have done for me. And as I try to do for you whenever fortune allows me.

Be well, be brave, be jubilant at all the things we might otherwise take for granted.

Thank you.