Closing Doors

 

2021- 40

A Year in Review.

This has become an unplanned tradition of mine. Often around the holidays, New Year, Chinese New Year, and my birthday.

This past year was… interesting to say the least. For me it’s been difficult for reasons I won’t go into here. It’s also been a year of immense change and good fortunes. My baby girl entered this world this past September, and I will never be the same. This little cherub smiles at me and my soul melts. She is love on a level I never before imagined and am eternally grateful for her.

I’ve pushed through a number of set backs in my creative endeavors. I think we all did. A lot of doors closed this past year, some that will never open again sadly. We all attempted to adapt and survive in whatever ways we could come up with.

“Men at forty Learn to close softly The doors to rooms they will not be Coming back to.” ― Donald Justice

I’d read that quote many times before now, and thought of it in different ways. I understood closing doors on things we just wouldn’t be doing any longer. Lack of energy, lack of time, lack of interest. It is the “softly” part that jumps out at me now.

There’s something very sinister about the word “potential”. We’re often told in our younger years that we have great potential. But how much of that potential is left unrealized? Vast oceans, I’ve discovered. Some of us never find out rhythm. Some of us never find our opportunity. Some of us don’t apply ourselves, or give up before “success” arrived, whatever that means.

But to close the door softly, I think, implies that you’re not wanting to draw too much attention to it. There is a lingering of the hand on the door. You don’t want to leave that place behind necessarily, but you know that you need to. For yourself. For those that may depend on you.

I think there is also a certain amount of shame at times, for potential we feel we may have squandered. Maybe we were too busy chasing whatever shiny thing had our attention. Maybe we were too busy working to survive. Maybe… maybe…

This is not a tale of endings however. Not yet. There are some new chapters that I am delving into. Chapters that have been years in the writing. I am learning and admitting to myself that there are only so many hallways I can explore at one time. Perhaps only so many I will ever have the chance to explore. Time is so finite.

But as I delve into these projects, and this next chapter, I want to say thank you. Thank you to those that have loved me. Thank you to those that have tolerated me. Thank you to those that have supported me. Thank you for those I have been fortunate enough to call friend.

I am not just a writer or performer now. I am also a father. A title which I hold with great pride. Because I’m not just any father. I’m Audrey’s father. And that means the world to me.

Also thank you to anyone still reading. Thank you for the paths that you have shared with me in this journey called life.

I look forward to many more adventures to come.

And I love you, my first and second families. My compatriots and comrades in this maelstrom of existing, creating, hurting, losing, winning, discovering, loving and living. Hold on to one another my friends and my loves. Hold each other up, as you have done for me. And as I try to do for you whenever fortune allows me.

Be well, be brave, be jubilant at all the things we might otherwise take for granted.

Thank you.

Success and Skill: An Uneven Ratio

 An irregular Ratio.

This is a topic that has weighed on my soul time and again. And one that I believe is off overlooked or marginalized in our "hustle= success" culture.

It may hurt some feelings as well.

But I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

Skill does not equal success.

For every A List actor that is lauded in magazines and websites, there is an actor even better doing community theatre or little independent films you've never even heard of.

For every best selling author, there are writers whose sonatas to the soul will make your heart reverberate in ways you never knew possible.

For every Grammy award winner and multi platinum album, there's a musician at your local college or bar whose performances will have you dancing in your seat or bring tears to your eyes.

So what is the take away?

Well, first. Always take time to explore the little side alleys of the arts and entertainment community for little gems that could change your life. And please be patrons to these amazing people.

But more importantly, if you are one of these artists. If you're work brings you clarity, or solace, or joy, keep creating.

Your bank account is not a measure of your worth.

Your number of followers does not dictate your ability to move the human spirit.

Sometimes.... It's just luck.

And does that mean that the rest of us not making millions off our work should hang it up and give in?

Resoundingly no.

There's an old saying that the forests would be silent if only the very best birds sang.

That's not even what I'm saying here.

What I'm saying is, your perspective, your performance, your work will touch the world in ways you'll never know.

And I'm not saying this out of pure theory.

I've seen it. Heard it. Read it.

For instance, at the Cleveland Playhouse in the early 2000s, I saw a play called The May. (At least I believe that was it's name now. It's been ages.)

I remember the cast being uneven and the person playing the husband doing all sorts of "acting stuff" that I found nearly unbearable.

But what I took away from the show was the woman who played the daughter.

Her performance was simple and honest and captivating. And it was one of those performances that made me think "I want to make an audience feel like that."

I worked with a colleague long ago named Bill Davis. (Sorry man. I'm calling you out. 🤣)

His performances in college made me downright envious. I remember watching him from the wings of shows we did together and thinking "I want to be like him when I get better at this."

I'm by no means famous. I'm grateful for every moment I've had on stage and screen. But those two actors, one who's name I don't even know, and both who you'll likely never see, pushed me to want to be more. And hopefully helped me to better entertain others in my own career.

I've read short stories online that have leave me haunted or spell bound.

I've heard musicians in college who's work brought tears to my eyes. (In a good way. 😁😂)

So what I'm saying is, don't quit. Don't stop. Your work adds to the beautiful tapestry of the human experience. And this world would be less without your work in it.

Love and Be Held

 A baby is just starting off their life. All they want is to be held and some attention paid to them. They want to know they are loved, and that they matter, on an instinctive level. I think this is all any of us are really looking for during the rest of our pursuits in life as well.

To My Daughter

 Every tender moment, I’ve experienced, or thought I knew
Coalesced and distilled, into the shape my heart holds for you
Every swelling in my chest, that makes me so happy I could cry
I behold in your little smile when you look me in the eye
And holding you is completion, this little angel entrusted to me
To arm with love, knowledge and strength, to face your destiny
I wish this could be forever, this innocent joy of mine
That I could hold you close and love you, from now till the end of time
I never knew it would feel like this
To be so happy that it hurts
To introduce you to this life
To a whole new world of firsts
Your little hand around my finger
Like my heart wrapped around yours
Every fiber of my being
Focused on how much I adore
Every moment you are with me
And how I never really knew
How full my life would be
The moment I held you

 

Potential... lost.

 Potential.
Such a beautiful concept. Such a deadly word.
Potential of all the things we will never accomplish, but we could have, you know?
Potential cut short.
By an accident. A blood clot. An aneurysm. Cancer. Murder.
Suddenly, all that potential vanishes from this world, never to return.
And we, the survivors, the sacred carriers of that memory, are left holding the shattered pieces of what could have been.
We’ll never know the potential of their tomorrow. We’ll never see what they would have contributed toward today.
As I feel this pinching pain in my chest, I reflect on these, gone too soon. And I lament their passing. Not just for them and their loss of tomorrow, but in all of the new memories I myself was robbed of by losing them.
It’s selfish. I know. And for this moment, I want to be selfish, and angry, and broken. I want to cry for me, and my loss in never having them back again. Never hearing them laugh, never having them call, never feeling that warmth in my heart at opening a door to reveal them smiling to see me.
And I know they wouldn’t want me dwelling in sadness. But it does them good knowing I still care this much, even years later. And I do. I miss you. I want to hug you, and feel the endorphins run through my brain at having you near.
But I won’t.
I can’t.
That potential has been forever taken, never to return.
And like staring down a winding path in the forest, the snowflakes falling in their slow and silent dance, I realize that the potential lies within me.
Perhaps never to be great, but to be good.
To care. To laugh. To share. To spend time. To reflect. To create. To hope.
Potential.
It’s such a beautiful concept. It’s such a deadly word.
Share with me someone who’s potential you miss.
Share with yourself some good you can do with the potential that’s been passed on to you.

Nothing Hits Harder Than Life

 Nothing hits harder than life. Life will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let it.

A line from one of my favorite movies but no less true.

So many of us push through life in a crucible of our own failings, missed chances, and narrow losses.

But if you've ever watched certain stories unfold there's a place where the hero is defeated many times before and suddenly they find the strength to overcome an obstacle that destroyed them in the past. And they Wonder at this new-found strength.

Because what they didn't realize is that they were facing much greater challenges then the obstacle they were looking at all along. The other thing they don't realize is that for all the immense strength they showed in defeating that opponent or overcoming that mountain they are actually far stronger than any of that.

Because the scars and the hurt and the pain and the discouragement and everything else that told them to stop and turn around and give up pushed against them like a hurricane of white-hot blistering sand. 

And in those periods of the unimaginable cruelty of life they would have traded anything in the world to get away from that pain. But digging down to not just survive but to overcome they became something more than they ever thought possible.

And so too will you. The defeats of the past are not your legacy. The moments that your knees buckled because it hurt too much to stand doesn't mean that you can't run again.

Because you've been training your whole life to unlock the hidden Force within you and you never even knew it. So go forth my friend I know but the greatness of of the Gods and of your every dream and desire dwells within you.

 And all you have to do is unleash it and believe.

Writing 'To Do' List

I thought this might be helpful to share with my fellow writers.

A Writer's “To Do” List

1. Have writing implements and paper at the ready.
   

2. Set up your workspace in a way that caters to your personal creative process.
   

3. Make a blood sacrifice to the creative gods that they may bless your current endeavor. Should blood for whatever reason, not be available (only you know if you're cheating yourself. But thankfully the Elder Ones work on the honor system), a mixture of espresso and cabernet usually works nicely.
   

4. Make sure you have the correct sacrifice for your genre. Warm goat's blood for horror. (Obviously.) And a warm cheese sandwich for news articles.
   

5. Remove all potential distractions that may pull your focus from your writing.
   

6. Be honest with yourself as to what those distractions are. Phone, work, family obligations, hygiene. If you need reference material, buy a thesaurus.
   

7. Carve out time for the actual writing. The time will not present itself.
   

8. Also, carve out anyone that attempts to impose on this time. You don't need these people in your life anyway, and running from the law can be quite invigorating for the creative process.
   

9. Try to put as much as you can down on the paper, even if it doesn't all come together right away. Sometimes you have to get the bad ideas out of the way first to clear the road for the good ones.
   

10. Stare into the internal abyss of existential dread that your life is meaningless and no one will ever enjoy your work.
    

11. Get a beverage! It's important to stay hydrated!
    

12. Back up your work. Nothing is worse than writing lost work.
    

13. Don't give up. Even if everyone in your life has told you you are just wasting your time writing. Especially the landlady and her angry pet poodle, Chastity. That dog hated you long before you were overdue on rent.
    

14. Occasionally work on something not at all related to your current project to till the old creative soil a bit.
    

15. Scream into a pillow when you realize that the chapter based on a deep personal experience that took you five months of therapy and three months of writing to get out isn't going to work for the final product. Once finished screaming, strike the pillow with your weapon of choice while enjoying a nice cordial and listening to some therapeutic music. I recommend Chopin.
    

16. Most importantly, have fun!